Be careful what you say…

“Take take, take it all!” -Take it All, Hillsong United
“I surrender everything to your control” -Completely, Ana Laura
“Come break me down” -Break me Down, Tenth Avenue North
“Won’t you change me from who I’ve been lately?” -Change me, Sanctus Real

These songs sound familiar?  We sing them all the time, don’t we?  We’re always asking God to do what He wants and to make us more like Him.  To take away what we don’t need, break down our bad habits, and change us completely.

But how many times do we get upset when He does it?  How much do we resist any changes He’s trying to make?

I was sitting here, talking to God, telling Him I wasn’t particularly excited about some changes that He was going to be making in my life in a few months.  I was like “God, seriously, why does that have to happen?  Can’t things just stay like they are right now?  I really like them.”

Then Take it all (Or well, Tomalo, the Spanish version) came on my iTunes.

Umm…ouch!  How many times have I sang that?  I’ve told God he can do whatever he wants in my life. And now…I’m trying to talk him out of it.  That means I’m totally going back on  my word, not the best idea.

God, help me to understand what I’m singing, to mean it, and to live it.  God I trust that your plan for my life will supersede whatever my dreams are, and that You have a good reason for this upcoming difficulty.  Help me cling to You when it happens; Your will is the best for us anyway, and that’s what I deep down want.

^“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.” -James 1:22-25 (yeah not an exact tie in, but, it’s still an amazing verse)

It’s nights like these….

…that I wish my aunt lived closer.

I’ve had all afternoon off of school, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I don’t really have anything to study intensively for just now.  I’ve been looking at colleges, and…just thinking.

It’s nights like these I wish she were here so I could just drive over to her house, and just tell her everything that’s going on, and just cry and let her hug me and tell me stories about what God’s done in her life, and get her advice, and just…let it all out, and know that it’s all going to be okay.

There’s so much I’d tell her if I could.  So much that I just need to talk to someone older and wiser about but I just don’t know who or how or when or where…I just don’t know.  I just want someone that will let me cry on their shoulder.   I just want someone who will give me objective opinions.  I just need some wisdom.  I need my aunt.

Love is not self-seeking

Dear best friend,

I’ve literally been crying the past thirty minutes we’ve been texting.

I know, you need to go.  I know you need to grow.  But I don’t want you to leave.  I want you to go and grow though, I want the best for you of course, but I don’t want you to leave.  You mean so much to me.  So, so much.  Honestly when you go…ugh.

I think it’s funny how God has been playing lots of songs about trusting Him while this has been going on.  And that’s what I intend to do.

Know this–whatever you decide to do, I will be here to support you and encourage you.  I will help you however I can to make your dreams come true.  Because that’s what friends do.  That’s what love does.  I believe in you, and everything you can accomplish; I don’t want to hinder anything God wants to do through you and for you.

So wherever you feel led, I’ll be here.  I’ll always be here.  Remember that. :)

Time to recenter

Lately in my life, I’ve found myself…less than content…with myself, and with just…yeah.

This week I’m declaring a media fast–no secular music, no movies, no TV, no youtube…just sermons, Christian music, and books.  This is my favorite way to recenter my life, and I really need it.  I’ll divulge a little of what’s inside my head, and then at the end of the week i’ll document the changes and give glory to God because, well, let’s face it, He’s going to be making the change, not me :)

Reason numero uno: dissatisfied with how I look.  I made the mistake of thinking that immodest women didn’t bother me.  While they don’t bother me in the same way they bother guys, they still affect me.  They make me begin to feel inadequate, and that I will always be single if I don’t dress provocatively and act like a slut.  I know this is contrary to truth, and I refuse to be dragged down by them any longer.  My visual safeguards now not only include shirtless men but also slutty women; this is to protect my self-image and self-worth.

The second reason…I don’t really want to share here, beyond…I’m being tempted to want to be a girlfriend, and that is just not ok with me…because this friendship is so special to me, that…if I ruin it…no. not happening.  a week without tv to save this friendship is definitely worth it.

So that’s me.  That’s my honest most intense struggles right now here goes :)

Today I choose

Today I choose to trust in what God has promised me and not worry about what I cannot control.

Today I choose to walk in faith that God knows what He is doing.

Today I choose not to overreact to things that I cannot change.

Today I choose to love myself even when the world tells me I am inadequate.

Today I choose to be thankful for the love of good friends, even if that’s all we’ll ever be.

Today I choose to love my life, because it’s pretty fantastic and I honestly don’t want it to change.

Today I choose not to let others drag me down and annoy me.

Today I choose…

What will you choose?

Blown away

Yeah yeah, I realize you’re probably sick of posts about my music.

So if you are, don’t bother reading more.  But I just can’t keep quiet about what Jesus did today.

A year ago (this week! :D) a church started renting out the building of my church on Saturday nights.  In January, I couldn’t contain my curiosity any longer and had to check this place out.

Best thing I ever did.  I have spent every free Saturday night there since and have been blessed and challenged immensely.

After praying about it a lot, I finally felt like God was telling me to get involved.  So around the end of July, I finally got up enough nerve to ask Paul (The music leader) if they needed another keyboardist.  He seemed really excited to have me offer; turns out he’d been wanting to ask me but didn’t want to cause any problems between our churches.  I assured him that no drama would come of it.  So I auditioned, and he told me that he’d love it if I came to play with the band.

Words can’t even begin to describe how ecstatic I was; I cried on the way to the boys’ house I was so happy.  (that was the weekend I played at Timmy & Tyler’s church after having the music a mere 12 hours…you guys are a trip; an awesome challenging trip! <3)

Anyway.  Now you know the back story.  So I was on the schedule to play for tonight.  I’d been anticipating it for several weeks–a little scared at the commitment when school started, but I knew God would pull me through.

So I get an e-mail from Paul Tuesday with the music, and he’s giving us all a pep talk and talking about how huge this Saturday is because it’s Revolution’s one year anniversary.

GULP!  I was thinking…Paul, did you uh, mean to put the novice college freshman pianist on the schedule for the BIGGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR?!  Nevertheless…I took a deep breath, told God that this Saturday was HUGE and I didn’t want to let Him down, and buckled down.  I bought all the songs from iTunes and listened to them ALL. THE. TIME.  No joke, I listened to those same six songs every day on the 20 minute drive to and from school this week, lol, and when I was doing my math homework.  I HAD to learn them backwards and forwards.

Then I got sick.  yaaay…so Friday I spent most of the day on my back, trying to not get worse.  Problem: Friday was supposed to be a big practice day.  Whoops…So now I had the little chunks of time I’d been able to practice on school days, and…Saturday after work before rehearsal.  But I wasn’t really worried about it; I figured God would have my back.  (That and I was too congested to think straight)

Then this morning comes.  My lovely parents wake me up at like 6:30…so I end up getting work done before 11, which was good.  I then ate lunch, and….practiced until like, 1:30.

Let me tell you; I haven’t had that much fun practicing piano in a really, really long time.  I just played with chords and rhythms, sang in a loud obnoxious sicky voice, and laughed a lot.  It was great!!  The hours were creeping by till practice would finally arrive; and I felt ready.

So then 2:45 rolls around, and I’m grabbing my keys to get out the door and down to church.  And I just get a sick feeling in my stomach.  Like, what am I doing?!  It was the exact same feeling I had when they pulled us back before the launch on the Deja Vu roller coaster last weekend; I was about to embark on something I couldn’t turn back from, couldn’t run away from; I had no choice but to ride it through till it’s completion.

Let me just stop right here to say that today was far more enjoyable than that ride ;)

Rehearsal was really awesome!!  The band was super chill and we had a lot of fun working through the music.  There was this one song that I had a, well not really solo, but accent part on.  I literally couldn’t tell you the names of the notes, and if I thought about them, there’s no way I could get them right.  I had to say “Okay, God, here’s the deal.  I’m going to get lost in the music, and let you do the rest.”

And He did :)  I had so much fun.  I can honestly say that’s one of the first times I’ve actually WORSHIPED while playing for worship.  It was phenomenal; I’ve never felt that free and…out of control in my life.

Let me explain the “Out of control” phrase.  It was not me in charge of my fingers tonight.  If it were, it would have been a miserable failure.  No.  I firmly believe Jesus was moving my hands, enabling me to think about the words, enabling me to be free and just enjoy the beautiful music and spirit of God.  I actually sang for some of the songs.  That doesn’t happen very often.

What can I say?  The only explanation is God.  So whatever God is telling you to do…………….go do it.  He’s proven again…….He won’t let you down :)

“The LORD turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”" -Judges 6:14

………………………………GO!!!!

Ever wondered?

Have you ever wondered if what you’re saying is what you truly want, or what you want so desperately you keep telling yourself it’s true in hopes it someday becomes the attitude of your heart?

Go.

“The LORD turned to him and said, ‘ Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?’” -Judges 6:14

I have to wonder how many times God has said this to me.  “Go in the strength you have.  Am I not sending you?”

What are you avoiding in your life because you’re afraid?  What do you think you can’t do?

If God is telling you to do it…go for it, and be amazed when He works wonders through your feeble abilities.

God’s plan is so much better than I could imagine

I’ve been in awe the past couple of days at just…God.  His timing.  His plans.  His wisdom.  And how true He is to His word.

C’mon, I’d like to invite you to take a bit of a jog down memory lane with me.

The date is….anytime before July, in 2008.  The scene is church, and the girl is Lindsey.  Lindsey can play the piano, but she is too afraid to play on worship team.

Fast forward to June, 2008.  Lindsey goes on a missions trip to Mexico, where God uses her in ways she didn’t know were possible; she can communicate with little children who speak a different language because God gave her the ability to pick up Spanish fairly well; God touches her body and gives her strength to do construction in the mornings (and wake up!!) in the Mexico sun.  God just is giving her all this strength she doesn’t have on her own.

Then Lindsey is sitting in church one Sunday; there’s a youth council meeting after church for a teen service.  God tells Lindsey…it’s time for the teens to run the music at teen service.  Lindsey proposes the idea; the council is excited; the ball starts rolling; Lindsey starts freaking out.

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” -Philippians 2:13

That’s it.  Lindsey knows she can do it.

Fast forward a couple more months; her good friend Timmy calls her at 1PM to ask her to play piano at the nursing home with him at 2PM-with music she’s never seen.

God doesn’t let Lindsey fall on her face; in fact, she rather enjoys it. 

Time goes on; Lindsey keeps playing at the nursing home, and even starts playing on the worship team more.

Back to now….August 2009.  Lindsey, the girl who a mere year ago shuddered at the thought of playing piano……anywhere……….
volunteered to play piano for church. 
Played for a worship team at a church she’d never been to, with music she’d had less than 24 hours; one song she ran through twice before the service.

Do you see it?!  Do you see God making Philippians 2:13 coming true?!  Is that not the COOLEST thing ever?!  I am so excited.  I just…….when I realized that, it was just…….wow.  How amazing is God that…he uses me.  I’m nothing special; but God touches my hands and lets me play; God opens doors for me to learn and grow to be able to play even better.  I’m just………..awestruck. 

How can I not talk about this?  I say this not to boast at all; everything I am today is a direct result of the hand of God in my life.  No way on earth could I have played this morning, or auditioned last night, if it were not for God giving me the DESIRE and POWER to do what pleases Him.

“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” -2 Corinthians 11:30

Amazing verse

“Do not let your heart envy sinners,
         But live in the fear of the LORD always.”
-Proverbs 23:17

I can’t nail down in words what this verse means to me; not to strangers, and not without verbal communication.

But think about it.  It really hit me where I’m at tonight, as far as…yeah.  My awesome friend knows what I’m talking about :)  Just…don’t envy people who are ignoring God’s commands.  In the long run, those who listen to God are going to be the happy ones.  Don’t settle on the immodesty or immorality of the moment; strive for the pure modest future God wants.  I want so much to make God proud.  I want so much to stay in His plan, and keep His Words, and live like He wants.  So, so much.

And this verse is helping me along the way.  I hope it helps you.