I wrote a lot about that bad relationship before it even happened. I wanted to just get a pair of scissors and cut it all out; I wanted to forget it ever happened and have no evidence that it did. But that’s not realistic. It did happen. I was foolish and followed my own desires above those of God (like Israel wanting a king even when God told them it was a bad idea). I can’t deny it. I sinned, colossally.

I can’t ignore that it happened, but I can allow it to be redeemed.

So I took a bright red pen, and across every mention of that relationship or anything that caused me to feel shame related to it, I wrote in big red letters “FORGIVEN,” “REDEEMED,” “FORGOTTEN.”

So now my record is complete. It’s still there, I can’t erase it, in the same way I can’t erase that it happened in my life. But I have been forgiven for all those things. I have been forgiven. My sin has been forgotten. My story has been, is being, and will be redeemed.

Here are a few pages from my journal now. They aren’t all marred by my past sins, but the ones that are stand as a reminder that even though I was so, so foolish, Christ has forgiven me.

“The blood of Jesus purifies us from all our sins.” -1 John 1:7 (paraphrased)
 

What if, for a youth group girls night, we did pedicures with a purpose. Read John 13, where Jesus humbles himself to wash the feet of his disciples, and then did it. Washed each others feet, and went the whole nine yards with pedicures (since those are fun to do with each other anyway).

Just a crazy late night youth ministry bonding idea…that i’d love to try out. Thoughts?

Jesus took part [in culture] to such an extent that people called him a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of sinners.

So I just wanted to kick that topic around with him for a while. I asked him what he thought it looked like to live like that but also to not make our brothers stumble and such. He didn’t have a concrete answer, but some of the things he said just cut me to the core and completely alter the way I think about Christianity.

He was talking about the fact that we need to be Jesus. “We need to get the center right, and the circumference will follow,” he kept saying. There’s so much truth in that. If we get our eyes on Jesus, if we get our mindset focused on seeking and saving the lost, the little gray areas will be navigable by the Holy Spirit, or will even just take care of themselves as we realize the question isn’t “Well how much can I do and get away with it?” but rather “How can I glorify God best in this situation?”

He said something that just hit me right between my eyes. He was saying that we need to be Jesus, which means that when he (professor) talks to a stripper, it needs to look the same as Jesus talking to a stripper. His look needs to be the same, his words need to be the same, his expressions need to be the same, his balance of truth and grace need to be the same.

When he said that, the story of the woman at the well just raced through my mind, and I was slightly overwhelmed–there is SO much to learn to make speaking to people the same way that Jesus would speak to them!!!!

Whatever the person we’re dealing with is talking to, we need to treat them like Jesus treated them. I know, it sounds cliche, but that image of my professor talking to a stripper and how vastly different that could look from Jesus just shook me up. Without even realizing it, and even while trying to be like Jesus, we can completely fail at looking like Jesus. Everything—our body language, our facial expressions, our vocal tones, our words–they must all be completely surrendered to Christ while we seek his lost children.

My goodness, this is such a tall order. How did I not see it before? I wish I could communicate this afternoon with the same force that it had for me.

We talked about how people like strippers are condemned because they’re the “icky” sins, while we say nothing on gluttony, or greed, or pride. The us-them mentality will do nothing to save those people.

He read me a quote from a book, Messy Spirituality, which I just might pick up, because if this prof recommends it, it’s legit. The author said: “Christians don’t condone sinful behavior. They redeem it.”

Right on. That resonated with both of us so hardcore. That’s legit. That’s what being a Christian is about. We can’t just stand on the sidelines with our arms crossed, as my professor said, we have to get in there and be Jesus.

Huge order. But good night, it’s so worth it.

Aren’t you glad someone did that for you?

Dude. I’ve learned two things already. I want to share one with you.

As I was reading, the influence of Rahab just stood out to me. One woman’s act of faith brought about the salvation of so many, and eventually the Savior was born out of her line. In Joshua 6, we find out that Rahab convinced her entire family to stay in her home with her and escape the destruction of Jericho. One woman (a harlot, no less) was able to influence those around her for God and His glory. Incredible.

The very next chapter, like three paragraphs later, in Joshua 7, we find out about a man named Achan, who disobeyed God and took some of the stuff from Israel that was very plainly marked to be dedicated to God. This displeased God, and because there was sin in Israel, when Israel fought Ai, 36 of Israel’s soldiers died, and the Canaanites no longer feared Israel–their conquest of the Promised Land just got a whole lot harder.

Achan influenced people negatively. His selfishness caused 36 women to be husbandless, 36 mothers to mourn their sons, and countless children to grow up without their blood father.

One person in each of these stories made one seemingly innocent and personal decision.

That decision influenced others in countless ways.

How are your decisions influencing those around you? Like it or not, as a follower of Jesus, people are watching you. You are influencing people. You are leading people with that influence either to destruction or life.

So which are you?

I have some neighbors. Well, who doesn’t? These neighbors are very dear ladies to my heart. They have always been willing to help us, and we’re so close to them we actually have keys to each other’s houses. These two ladies happen to be gay.

I have told my friends that before, so that if they meet them they won’t say something stupid, and sometimes they make horrible faces and want nothing to do with them at all, or if they do have to see them are awkward and don’t really talk to them. Like…really? Yes, I think being gay is a sin, and it’s not something I want to see for anyone, but that doesn’t mean that I will shun the people who are currently involved in it (“Pre-Christians,” to use a positive, hopeful term a book I read suggested when interacting with people who don’t profess to follow Christ).

We ate dinner with these ladies last night. It was so much fun, and even though I know we doggedly disagree on so very many issues, the things that we *do* agree on brought 2.5 hours of laughter and fun. They are very good people, they have a heart for educating children and hospitality. They just want to help people out. And it turns my stomach when I think of the reactions of my “friends” when they find out they’re gay.

Let’s look at the One we claim we follow, shall we? Who did He spend His free time fraternizing with? Oh, that’s right…Tax collectors, prostitutes, “sinners…”

Yet we today think we are “too clean” to associate with people who are doing things we know are wrong. Umm…Pharisaic much?

Surely, there is a balance. If you are trying to love on someone and they start dragging you away from Christ, then the relationship is unhealthy. But my family’s 20 year friendship with these ladies is proof that you can love on someone, they can see you are different, and they won’t drag you down. They know where we stand on the whole gay thing, and on a lot of things, but we are still the only neighbors on the street to befriend them. I am so proud of my parents for allowing this relationship in their lives; they have been such a blessing to us, and I pray that one day we can return the blessing by finally being able to count them as sisters in Christ. But until that day comes, we show them love for who they are.

Yeah, being gay is odd, and kind of disturbing, but who am I to avoid a lost child? Who am I to be too good to talk to them?

Jesus didn’t have that attitude. If I think I can get away with it, I’m considering myself better than Jesus.

Oh. Snap.

What’s wrong, you ask? Sinple this: I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know if I can make it through another semester at Bible college. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved my time there, but ever since middle of last semester, I’ve been wondering if my time there needs to end.

No, this isn’t because of the break-up. Well, not all of it.

You see, I was confident this was where God was leading me. The only call I have ever felt from God in terms of a career and a future was to be a wife and stay-at-home mother. That’s it. That’s still it. And I thought God was leading me to that relationship, which would end in marriage, so a career wasn’t even a problem.

When we broke up, my entire future literally crumbled.

A degree from my Bible college is great as a support role in a relationship, but it’s not enough for a single woman to support herself. I have to get into something that I can have a career in until I get married, if I ever do. And that terrifies me. Nothing sounds interesting. I’m looking into physical therapy, but I don’t know if I could handle touching people all day. I don’t want to teach, I can’t handle blood so I can’t be a nurse………I don’t know what to do.

I feel like such a failure and a fool. I’ve spent a whole year at this college knowing I couldn’t support myself because I was so stupid to think i’d found the guy i’d marry. Well when I finally opened my eyes, where am I? At a dead-end school, with a hurt heart, and a whole lot of confusion. I love what I’ve learned, both from classes and from life, but it won’t pay bills. What am I going to do?

The good thing is, if I get to school and still feel like this is wrong, my dad has been aching to take a roadtrip and would bring me home. I don’t want to just quit, though. I’m so close to finishing the degree. GOSH why am I such an idiot?! I know Bible education was and still is important to me for my larger life goal, but what about now? What do I do until that happens?

Lost.

It was my decision, and it was a month coming, but it was still very difficult to make. However, for the first time in months, I have peace. I no longer think I’d rather just die than live out a day, and I haven’t even been struggling with self-esteem this past week. No, the guy I was dating did not consciously inflict those thoughts and feelings on me, but obviously in some way our relationship was negatively impacting me to the point where depression was just a fact of life for quite some time.

If you want to know why the relationship failed, drop me an e-mail and I’ll give you vague answers. This blog will not turn into an ex-bashing fest, but I am willing to share my experiences with those honestly seeking to learn from my mistakes. There were so many red flags that I completely missed……..I regret who I was and how blind I was, and I regret the pain I inflicted on him by ending it, but I don’t regret the things I have learned. I have a much clearer vision of what I want in a husband now.

My brother came down this weekend, and we went out to Coldstone and just talked things through. It was so great having his support and being able to tell him everything about why I ended it, and to hear him say that I was right. I’ve been told that a lot from people; no one has questioned my decision. I have peace for the first time in months. It was the hardest decision of my life; I’ve been turning it over in my head for about 6-8 weeks, we’d been talking about it for about a month. I cried so hard about it, but what was the point in continuing a relationship I knew was wrong?

On a brighter note, another thing I never thought I’d say……..

I like Harry Potter.

xP

I’ve read the first 3 books, am 200 pages into the fourth one, and have seen the first 5 movies (6-7 part 2 are waiting until I read the books…read, Lindsey, read!).

I also haven’t decided if I’m going to finish my degree at my Bible college or drop out and attend a physical therapy school locally. We’ll see, I have plenty of time to worry about that. So much changed when this relationship ended; for the best, I firmly believe; I just have a lot of thinking and praying to do now.

Anyway, I don’t really want to write any more right now. I’m afraid I’ll either digress into reasons the relationship failed (which would be ex-bashing, if I’m not careful), or talk about depressing things my old friends are doing. I’d rather go read Harry Potter and blissfully drift away into Hogwarts castle, watching the Triwizard competition unfold, even though knowledge that Voldemort is behind it all lurks in the back of my head, waiting to be discovered hundreds of pages from now. :) (Sorry if I just ruined that for anyone………..)

But I learned something today, and if I hadn’t this blog would be very different–it would be a sad tirade about how miserable I am and blah blah blah.

I’ve been feeling down all week. This afternoon, I met Amanda in the halls and she was like “Hey, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to help out with a kid’s carnival from 5:30-7:30?” Well, I certainly didn’t want to do homework, so I agreed. I was tired of being depressed and thought maybe this would get my mind off stuff–at least it would delay homework for a few more hours.

So I got there, and I got put in charge of doing the money box. I worked with another guy for almost the entire time. He was very pleasant to talk to, but a little awkward, and questions came hard to my self-absorbed mind. We would get some good conversation rolling, then it would drop for an awkward 30 seconds until one of us thought of something else to talk about. There was nothing ‘natural’ in our communication at all. But I feel like I learned quite a bit about this man–I got to meet his wife and daughter, talked to him about some of the cool stuff he’s done in the past (and some things we had in common, like Mexico and Spanish and writing), talked about his education, his family…we got talking about a lot of cool things.

When I first introduced myself he asked where I went to school and I told him the name of my school. He didn’t really seem to be familiar with it–which is pretty much a dead giveaway that he doesn’t go to church, since every church loves the college and wants students to come there. I kinda kept that in the back of my mind, but couldn’t find a good avenue to find out more about his spiritual life for more than the first hour.

Then it happened: I asked him what other countries he had been to, and he mentioned Israel. He talked a lot about how much he liked it, and i asked him if he’d visited the holy sites, which he had and loved. So I asked him if he went to church. He said no, and I asked him if he had grown up going to church since he seemed to know so much about the holy land. Turns out he was a C&E Christian growing up (Christmas and Easter), and was thinking that he should start going back to church since his daughter is really young. It was cool to be able to tell him a little about where I go and about a church closer to town. I pray he’ll reconsider and start going. His name is Brian, could you pray for him?

I then went to grab some food and was sitting awkwardly by myself and an older lady asked me to watch her granddaughter while she went to do something. So I moved to sit with the little girl, and when the lady came back we started talking about the college and stuff, and she asked me if we had any tutors.

Umm, I’m a tutor! me! me! pick me!

She said her grandson needs help with 7th grade math. So we swapped phone numbers and I’m going to find out what the school’s policy is for tutoring community students (like if we have a fee) and all that jazz.

Floored. I was completely floored how God used me to intersect with two very specific people at a random children’s carnival in the middle of a tiny town. I don’t know what will come of my conversations with Brian, and I don’t know what will come of possibly tutoring this kid, but I do know that it’s exciting when you just let go and let God take you places.

I learned something today.

Service is the best therapy. Sure, I’ve still got the same problems. But for two hours I was able to look at the bigger picture and focus on something outside of myself. I can’t really describe how I’m feeling. I’m not really on a “service day” high, because I didn’t really do that much. I am feeling very refreshed by God though, which doesn’t make sense since I”m exhausted. All I know is that following God is the best, and service is mega good therapy.

Anyway, that’s my wisdom for the day. Loves.

So as aforementioned, I have a story. This story taught me about my security.

Last week at work, a student came in.

Nothing terribly exciting, right?

This wasn’t just any student. This student was a little flirty, and had made me uncomfortable the other two times he’d come in (I’m a tutor, fyi), and if he’d continued to come in I would have asked Tyler to come sit at work with me (or at least to be in the library). Well, last week, this kid was…not himself.

As aforementioned, he could get a little flirty sometimes. Well that night, he called me “Sweetie.” okay well that’s weird, so I plotted how I’d get Tyler there.

Then he started hollering at another student how much he loved her and how he was going to marry her someday. Yeah, they don’t ever banter like that. She was a little weirded out and left really quickly.

So then, a guy from a H (a city) came and stood awkwardly in the doorway and J (student) turned around and was like “Are you from H? Because if you’re from H and you try to punch me when I shake your hand, I’m going to kill you.”

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Time out. This is Lindsey’s peaceful little learning lab, what are you doing?!

So J jumped up and got all defensive, stumbling over a chair and pulling back his pen ready to stab it in the guy’s neck if man from H tried to hurt him when he went to shake his hand. So little Lindsey is in the corner, trapped in this room, and terrified, because this guy has never been this violent before. Granted, J used to be in the army and has done a lot of things he regrets and deals with PTSD as a result of his time there. So he’s prone to being a bit impetuous, I guess you could say.

Anyway, I’m terrified, and J keeps talking to H man about how he’s going to kill him because K (not the brightest crayon in the box) told J that four guys from H were going to jump J if he ever went back to H, so now J is super paranoid.

Enter JS, who before that night was just another face on campus to me. JS knows J, and he can sense that I’m terrified lol, so JS comes and sits in the learning lab and works to defuse the situation. This whole thing lasted at least like 5 minutes, with H man provoking J by asking him weird questions like “who said they’d hurt you? Why did K tell you this? Why do they want to hurt you?” Like really dude? You’re really going to do that?

So JS eventually got H man out of the room so J and I could work on his homework (since that was the whole point of him being there), and I think I heard JS telling H man to chill out and leave J alone, lol.

So anyway, J decided he wanted to pray before we went back to homework. Now it was just me and J in the tutor center, which kinda freaked me out, but it’s in the library with a lot of glass, so I wasn’t like, super worried. So while he’s praying, I’m plotting how to get Tyler there, so as soon as he says “amen” I called Tyler and just held my phone in my lap. (He was there within four minutes or less, bless his heart lol). Anyway, J did a few other weird things and was just overall really weird that night.

So the next day I got to tell my boss about it, and the dean of men, and the pastor of my church (which is in town H, where K and man H go to church). They were all super apologetic about the whole incident, but it really wasn’t even their fault at all.

So yeah. That’s my crazy story. Oh! But yeah, so that night I was in my dorm, and still shaken up about it, and just wishing I were married and always having a guy with me so if something crazy happened he could protect me, but then God was just kind of like “Dude, seriously? You don’t think I can protect you?” and God proceeded to show me that He is my source of security. God uses Tyler and people like JS to keep me safe, but Tyler and JS do not provide my security; it comes from God.

That was such an awesome and peace-filling lesson to learn, especially if I go into mission work. I plan on spending 10 weeks in a foreign country this summer, so knowing that Jesus is my security before I go over there will really come in handy when I’m alone in another country.

So what about you? Are you trusting God to be your body guard, possibly using the men in your life (and even men you’ve never met) to protect you? Or are you trusting those men to protect you? Is God your “secret service,” the all-powerful bubble wrap that outsiders may not recognize but you know is keeping you safe? (Jesus is bubble wrap?! I want some more!!!)

Trust God to keep you safe. Yeah, it’s awesome he uses guys and it makes us feel all special and girly, but just remember that God is the ultimate source of your security–if He isn’t protecting you, even the beefiest guy in the world wouldn’t do any good.

My semester has been going pretty well, all things considered. I’ve discovered that the honors professor and his wife run the honors program in a super controlling manner, to the point where if I dropped his class this semester because it was teaching weird things I would have had to pay $400 plus the drop fee. ………yeah. So next semester, I will no longer be an honors student, because being an honors student at my school means “Taking all your electives and some other classes with this professor who cannot adequately communicate and all of his classes sound the exact same anyway.” So I’m not going to be in honors anymore. That has caused so much drama in my life since school started, it’s absolutely ridiculous. It caused me to get behind in school one weekend and therefore I had to pay for it for the next month. Yeah, I wasn’t very thrilled with the whole situation at all.

Not to mention that he wanted us to take a field trip tomorrow from 5:30AM-midnightish, thereby missing all of our classes and being too tired to even think straight in our ones on Wednesday. I have to work, so I’m not going :D

I have recently become re-addicted to Pandora. It’s great.

In happier news, I might be going to India this summer or spring break (or both)! Ever since last semester, India has been on my heart. Well, my school is sending a trip down there over spring break, and I’m super excited. If I want to do my internship there, I probably won’t go over spring break, but the more I think about it the more uncertain I am that I should do my internship there. Ugh, figuring out where God is leading is so frustrating sometimes. Either way, India is probably in my future :)

I am going to go home with my friends Melyssa and Cathy over our break in a few weeks. I’m so excited! I love those girls so much. It’s crazy.

Have you ever had days where you just feel like every decision you’ve made in your life so far has been wrong? Or that you have to defend every single thing you’re doing to people you love? I’ve had quite a few of those since I came to school this semester, and it’s frustrating, because when I step back and look at everything without being emotional it all seems to be on the right track for the goal on my heart. I just get tired of all the opposition, but I guess it comes with the territory sometimes.

So, if I haven’t told you, I’m taking 19 credits this semester. My online class ends in 22 days, which will be great for allowing me room to breathe, but I have really enjoyed the material. It’s Life of Christ III, which covers mainly the last week of Jesus’ earthly ministry. It’s been so incredible to read through it all and really wrestle with it in all four gospels. We have to do observations for each section in our text book (anywhere from two verses to a chapter plus), and while they get really annoying, they’ve helped me focus and see so much more in the gospels.

One thing that has really stood out to me is John 13, when Jesus washes the feet of his disciples. A few weeks ago, our chapel speaker spoke on this passage, and closed with having the man for whom the building we were in was named, who served as the school’s president for like 20 years, and who has been working at this school since the beginning…that man washed the feet of a freshman.

Wow.

It was probably the most humble and beautiful thing I’ve seen all semester. Talk about service. I want my life to be so marked with service like that. Jesus was such an amazing servant. I am amazed the more I study the Bible and study Jesus by just how self-sacrificing he was. Sometimes I get uncomfortable, and sometimes I get confused, but the common theme is that Jesus loves people and He gives himself for them freely. That’s something I don’t really do well, but I want to.

I am so weak, Jesus help me be strong.