That is the URL of my blog after all, right? “Lindsey rambles”?
I’m a die-hard romantic. I had the pleasure and honor of being in a wedding on Saturday, and it was beautiful. I cried just about the whole way through, even in the reception. Ridiculous, I know.
but it was also kinda sad. I was totally caught up in the total romaticness of it all, and then when the pastor finally turned to the groom and was like “You may kiss your bride,” it was really disappointing lol. Like it was just a short, non-romanticish kiss…at all. I was like, well, that was kind of lame.
Granted, I”m not one for major lip-locking at weddings, I think that’s weird. But good gravy, at least look a little excited!!! It just kind of reminded me how anything done before marriage just isn’t as special. While it was sad, it also made me excited for my wedding, since that’ll be my first kiss, it’s bound to be pretty stinking romantic, eh? :)
I had invited some of my friends to the wedding to be my “dates,” they knew the couple and…well, they’re some of my favorite guys and I wanted to be with them too. Sadly, they couldn’t come. Honestly? I think it worked out better that way. As soon as Chrissy got down the aisle, I wanted to just run and hug that guy so bad; I was glad he was two hours away. I couldn’t tell you why I wanted to hug him. I just did. Maybe it was because I was crying, and I always go talk to him when I’m crying. Granted, I’ve never hugged him. Ever. Which made it all a little weird when the thought crossed my mind.
The photographer took all the bridesmaids out one at a time to do individual shots. When I started smiling for the pictures, she was like “What’s his name?” Instantly of course, this guy’s name came to mind. But I was like “who?” and she was like “your boyfriend!” I just kind of shook my head with a smile and was like “I don’t have a boyfriend, haha.” and she was like “Well you came to the right place, there are lots of single guys at weddings!” I was thinking “YEAH RIGHT I’m so not dating any of these guys!” and just politely said “haha, well, i have a prospect…” (hahaha, whew.)
That conversation had a weird impact on me. I wanted so, so badly to be able to give a name there. So my heart just kinda like. sunkish but not really when she asked me that. And when she said that about all the single guys, I was like dude, I have way more class than to come get a boyfriend at my friend’s wedding. And I didn’t even really feel incomplete without a boyfriend, it was nice. I was just like yeah, I don’t. Sure, there’s a special guy I know, but, special people make for special friends.
Part of me really wanted him there though, I felt like a princess, and it was such a nice place, and so much fun too, that I would have liked to share it with him. But, oh well. If I’m honest, it’s partially because I would hope to be thought of as special too. But, oh well.
Then when we were leaving, I went to say goodbye to the groom’s step-mother, and she tried to hook me up with the groomsman I had to walk with (which was totally disgusting, but I survived…linking arms with strange boy was not my favorite part of the weekend). I was like hahaha…no. and she was like “I’m sorry, I just can’t help myself, you’re such a sweet girl!” which was very nice of her to say, don’t get me wrong. it’s just like…okay, thanks…so, i’m sweet…but…yeah…just rub it in, thanks.
Which brings me to my point (which I never stated) of how hard it is to just wait for God’s timing. Like, it really is. See, if things were to go my way, my life would be different right now. But, I know God’s plan is so much better than my own. And I’m thankful that God has given this guy the strength to be stronger than I am when it comes to what my heart is telling me.
See, being such a romantic really is pretty bad when you think about it. I have a very faithful, very picky heart. So when I see someone I deem worthy, I open up, so much. And then it hurts when it’s just my stupid heart running away with me, again. I have often said how much I hate emotions. I’d like to reecho that tonight. I find myself being so ridiculous.
But I’m learning to let go. I’m learning to not think about it as much. I still get sad and scared when I do, but…waiting for God’s best isn’t always easy, it was never promised to be. And I’m willing to wait, no matter how long it takes or how many tears I shed along the way (wow, talk about melodramatic…haha, I just get going on a poety thought and can’t stop…)
“Come and save me…” -JJ Heller, save me…great song. stuck in my head. I sang to it on the way home last night and to and from work today, lol. I really liked my voice today, that was a bonus, lol. That’s another thing!!! I wish I could just sing and not care who hears me or what they think.
At the wedding yesterday, we did a bunch of line dances and then some whatever group dancing towards the end. It made me so irritated that I was watching all these girls do these really suggestive dance moves, and knowing I technically yes, have the ability to do them as well, but not being able to do it. Maybe not irritated, but just like awkward. Like…sure, I could get out there and do those same things, but, I just can’t. You don’t understand. I can’t do that to my future husband, or to every other guy in the room who would be seeing me. I just couldn’t do it. And in those sorts of situations, I always feel awkward.
It’s like, no, I’m not just being a fun-sucker. I have legitimate reasons, please stop staring at me like I’m a freak. I just can’t do that. AHHHHHH this is all so complicated and difficult…sometimes I wonder if I set my standards for myself too high, if I expect too much from myself. But I really don’t see a legitimate reason to expect any less; God has called me to be pure, why should I lower my definition of pure just because it gets hard?
I love JJ Heller. She’s so amazing. Her songs are catchy and they have such good lyrics. Sorry, she’s playing on my new phone, which, I love. you should text me, it’ll make me smile, because I like texting people back on it.
Isn’t it funny how english makes verbs out of nouns? texted. googled. just silly.
I’m babysitting tomorrow, and really excited about it. She’s like….seven months old. I like babysitting, it’s good wifey training :)
Oh man! I almost died Friday! but that’s another post. i’m sure it’ll come up later. Just don’t ever offer me mixed nuts. I will stare you down.
All right I’ve rambled enough. It’s been a long, emo rant, and it’s time for me to just stop thinking for the night. I’ll have plenty of time this week, I’m sure…
Good night, don’t sell yourself short, wait for God’s best :)