I thought it was really ironic how Tyler wanted to listen to the CD with this song on it when we went to school Wednesday:
He’s the one leaving in August for college. When I saw this song…I almost broke down. Thankfully, he was brushing his teeth, so I was able to compose myself before then. But when it started playing….I really didn’t want any silences…I didn’t want to have to listen to it.
But do I? Do I love him enough to let him go off and learn who he is without being here, an emotional wreck, without him? Do I love him enough to let him go?
[Disclaimer: not romantic love :)]
I’ve been wrestling with this ever since he said he was leaving this summer way back in October. If I say he’s so important to me, how can I be so selfish to not want him to be gone? How can I claim he’s my best friend if I’m not excited for him to go?
And I am, I’m ecstatic for him to go to the college, for the next phase in his life, to find who God wants him to be, to draw closer to God. I’m just not excited for the change in our relationship, and I’m not excited for walking around town alone. But I realize that both of those things could be just as good for me as college will be for him; we cannot get to the next phase in our lives without change. We will never reach the next level unless we are willing to go through change. And that’s what’s facing me, and I just have to be willing to accept it for the positives it will eventually bring.
And I am learning to let go, of him, of my selfishness, of dreams…I cannot fully cling to God with both hands if I am so intent on holding on to my own will with one of them.
Part of the reason we don’t do things is because we buy into the lies that God is not big enough to work through a situation in ways we cannot understand. I’ve been challenged on this point lately, and letting Tyler go is a huge one. Do I trust God that whatever changes in our relationship will be for the better? Do I trust God that if we drift apart there will be someone else? Do I trust God that He knows what He is doing?
That’s really what it comes down to. How big do I believe God is? Am I willing to give Him everything in my life, including Tyler? Do I love both God and Tyler enough to let Tyler go?
I’m learning. Through little things, I’m learning. And it’s kind of exciting. I’m excited to see how God changes me, how God changes Tyler, and what new phase of life will come about because of this change.
What lie are you believing? What do you need to let go of?