Like honestly this is one of the rawest and most emo things I have ever written. Don’t waste your time…
Okay, so, his going away party is tomorrow. And there’s a facebook thingy (that’s always on the right hand side, reminding me he’s leaving. gee thanks facebook, I really needed that…). And someone wrote on the wall that he should get to know some tall blond girl when he gets to college because he thinks they’d hit it off, like, datingish.
Like really? who says that?! It was so bizarre, I just had to get off of that page, I couldn’t even handle reading it. I realize that I am absolutely nothing, that I have no right to be upset. But I still am. like no matter who is who, why would you try to hook someone up with someone 2,000 miles away? this guy doesn’t even go to that college anymore…so weird.
In short, I’m panicking. I know he’s going to get there and there will be 300+ beautiful, Godly girls there. I know I’m not the smartest one, I’m not the most exciting and interesting one, I’m not the prettiest one, I’m just me. Why should he want me anyway? Ugh whatever. I should have known better than to start caring.
And then I feel like I’m not trusting him enough. But I have no reason to be trusting because HELLO we’re not anything but friends. And I’m trusting we’ll still be friends. It’s just like, I have no right, no place to expect him not to be attracted to other girls. If we were dating, it’d be different, and I would trust him, and then if he broke that trust it’d be like pft fine, whatever man, your loss. But we’re not dating. So I don’t even have anything to trust about.
I can’t do this. I really can’t. I can’t handle him leaving. I can’t handle how much it hurts to think that I am not good enough. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It feels like there’s something. I’m probably blowing everything up when it’s as simple as he either just isn’t attracted to me, or, he just didn’t want to date before he went to college. Whatever the reason is, it still feels like there is something wrong with me, and I can’t handle it. I can’t handle my best friend leaving. I can’t handle not talking to him. I can’t handle knowing that 300 other girls are going to be able to see him everyday. I can’t handle knowing that those girls are going to be laughing at him, seeing his beautiful smile, making him smile, hearing his amazing thoughts, seeing his beautiful heart, being the recipients of his amazing chivalry and caring heart. I can’t handle it. I just know I’m going to have the worst time being okay with any of them because it’s just…AHH it makes me so…AHHH. I can’t handle it that he could forget me. I can’t handle it that I could become his nothing after he’s been my something for so very long.
In short, I hate emotions. I hate where I’m at right now, it hurts so bad I just want to quit. But at the same time I wouldn’t trade the past 25 months for anything. How disgusting is that? How stupid am I?
hopeless. I’m hopeless. I’m just an emotional wreck of a girl who isn’t good enough for the most amazing guy she’s ever met. And now I”m done lying because I know Jesus thinks differently and that’s all that matters. And while I believe that Jesus is all that matters with everything I am, it still hurts. It still stings. It’s still empty. Woman was made for man. Look in Genesis, we were. I feel so deeply. I care so deeply. I like that about myself, but I also hate it, because it hurts. So bad. And it’s all brought on by myself.
Wow, good job Lindsey. Way to make yourself miserable. Bravo.
Okay, I’m done. I just had to spill my guts.