Since I’m moving in like a week, I’ve been doing lots of reflections. First I’ll do things I’ve noticed about myself, and then I’ll do things about people here.
Guess what? Christmas this year didn’t find me pining to be holding hands with anyone or wanting to be loved. Isn’t that amazing? I sit here in awe. When I realized that today, all I could do was smile. Our God is so great. He’s giving me peace and contentment in Him and Him alone, even though I so, soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo don’t deserve it…..at all. I’m amazed. Such a silly thing in my life, yet the Creator cares enough to touch my heart and make it whole, even though I haven’t found the man I’m supposed to serve for all my life. I just want to praise Him.
Another–God is so infinitely wise. Sometimes I would get frustrated that I’ve never been in a relationship. But as I was thinking today, I’ve realized why that is. I’ve had so much to work through that if I had been dating someone, I would have depended on him for everything rather than running to my Father. Because I’m single, I’ve felt beautiful because of God, not because my boyfriend says so. I’ve felt worth because I am God’s daughter, not because I have a boyfriend. I’ve felt peace in my crazy life because God’s hand is on me, not because I’m holding a boy’s hand. I’ve found consolation for my hurting heart in my Father, not in the arms of a human. I can’t even fathom how much this time has shaped me, has molded me, and how horrible a relationship would have been!! I would have been looking to my boyfriend to fill the holes that only God can fill. Granted, I believe that will still be a struggle for me when I do date, but I have a much better grasp of a boyfriend’s place in my life now than I used to. My boyfriend won’t be designed to complete me–that’s God’s job. And until I let God do that, any relationship I would have would so not be as good as God desires our relationships to be.
I’ve learned that in Christ I am a lot stronger than I think I can be. By Christ alone I learned to stop fearing. By Christ alone I learned that I can teach children and lead worship. Christ alone. I have nothing and I am nothing without Him. That’s what I want my life to boil down to, that’s what I want to be remembered as–She was nothing without Christ. I so hate getting attention, because it awakens my pride. My church has this stupid volunteer of the month award, and I was the unlucky recipient of it in November. That tempted me to get such a big head and to keep doing things because people were noticing. That’s such an awful attitude, and one I still have to fight off. I hate recognition. Just let me do stuff and don’t say anything to me about it. Don’t tell me I did a good thing, and don’t tell me I have talent. I want you to marvel at God. Stop telling me good stuff about me, you have no idea how awful of a human I truly am. I hate getting praise. I wish people would just cut it out. My pride loves hearing it but my heart knows it’s dangerous and…bleck! (end rant).
All right, enough about me. I want to focus now on some of the people I’m going to miss so much who have made such a huge impact on me.
I love reading things you write, Eddie. I love having insight into your thoughts and struggles. It has shown me the things a youth pastor of quality thinks about and wrestles with, and just how important your kids are to you. It’s a side of you I knew existed but I didn’t know the depth of it. It’s been a joy to see,and it makes every interaction I witness between you and the teens so much more precious.
The worship leader at my church has shown another side this semester also. She’s shown vulnerability, gratitude, and weakness. It’s so precious to have someone who appears to be so strong expose herself completely and admit that she can’t do everything. It was a cool lesson in humility and leadership.
Chelsea is such a sweet young lady. I love how her heart shines everytime she sings, and I love just listening to her talk. She’s going through so much, and we all want her to beat everything she’s fighting. Man, that girl is a blessing.
No blog entry would be complete without talking about Timmy. That kid has become such a big part of my life. I love watching him interact with his youth group kids-he’s going to be such an amazing youth pastor someday (and he already is). He’s got such a heart for teens, it’s amazing. But probably my favorite thing about Timmy is that he took it on himself this semester to teach me how a man should treat a woman. He taught me what to look for if someone wants my heart, and that I should absolutely not settle for anyone who does less than what he would do. It makes me sad that he had to teach me–that’s my dad’s job, but he didn’t really do it. I hate that part. But I’m so blessed that he cared enough to make sure I knew. It speaks volumes to me that someone who is just my best friend thought I was special enough that he would treat me with so much respect and care, and practically demand that I not let any man treat me with less than he does. I’m going to miss him so bad. He doesn’t believe me, because he thinks once I’m with Tyler again I won’t care about him. But that’s such a lie, just because Tyler is super important to me doesn’t mean Timmy is any less. Baaah I don’t want to say goodbye to him….
All right. I’m gonna cry if I keep going. I just wanted to get that out there. Happy New Year :)