Let me tell you a story. It’s about a girl. (Sing: this is the story of a giiirrrlll… hahahah. whew. I crack myself up.)
There’s this girl from Impact named Audrie. Audrie is really smart, really great at piano, has a great voice, can play the piano amazingly, loves Jesus, and is really sociable.
All my years since I met Audrie, I have felt completely inferior to her. She surpassed my degree of excellence in everything that was used to describe who I am–Piano, Spanish, and intelligence. (I’m leaving out the Jesus factor since judgment is not mine to pass in either direction–just know she’s got a great heart).
It’s a horrible thing to say, but I really liked the year in choir when I didn’t feel like I was in her shadow all the time. Not that it’s all about me, but it was such a breath of fresh air to not walk around impact feeling like Audrie was the Lindsey 2.0. And because those feelings were gone, I thought I had conquered a big part of my insecurities.
Mistake number one: Thinking I or my circumstances had solved the problem.
God likes putting Audries in my life, I suppose, because I’ve been at school what…four days? And I’ve found another Audrie. This one not only plays the piano and speaks Spanish, but she also was homeschooled and loves grammar, is far more logical, prettier, far more outgoing and sociable, and makes me feel like a giant. Oh, and did I mention she’s a good friend of my best friend too?
This is like, Audrie 2.0, which makes her feel like Lindsey 4.0. I was kind of just turning the whole thing over in my mind, trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how I could become more outgoing, or maybe I’m better at piano, and all that sort of stupid stuff of trying to figure out in what way I could make myself feel superior to this Audrie 2.0. That’s when God gently whispered in my ear “I am fearfully and wonderfully made…My soul knoweth that full well.”
But…God. This girl has all of my strong points, but stronger, and even more strong points that I do!!
God: Lindsey, I didn’t make you to be her. I made you for a very real purpose and until you realize that you are going to find these “audries” all over because you are placing your identity in those things about you that perhaps they do do better, like school or music.
Me: But…I thought I’d been through this already! I thought I was finding my identity in You!!
God: If you were, would this girl be bothering you? Would she be making you feel inferior just by being the girl I created her to be?
Me: So I still have a whole stinking lot to learn, and this is a good experience for me because if I choose to follow You instead of thinking about myself I’ll find freedom from my vice of insecurity and true identity in You.
So yeah. That’s kind of where I’m at this semester. I guess I’d thought that I had figured my identity out, when really the only thing I had figured out was how not to feel like I was being compared to Audrie. Only when I am consumed with Christ will I be able to face those “better” than I am and not feel ashamed or worthless. Only then will I be complete, and only then will I find peace. I know I am going to be broken this semester, beaten down, humbled, molded.
Take me, God. I submit to Your masterful hands my lumpy clay, which only You can make beautiful.