I’m writing this on my cell phone in my brother’s apartment–you know things are bothering me when I take to writing them out on a cell phone. My heart is in anguish, and writing always makes me feel better.
What’s wrong, you ask? Sinple this: I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know if I can make it through another semester at Bible college. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved my time there, but ever since middle of last semester, I’ve been wondering if my time there needs to end.
No, this isn’t because of the break-up. Well, not all of it.
You see, I was confident this was where God was leading me. The only call I have ever felt from God in terms of a career and a future was to be a wife and stay-at-home mother. That’s it. That’s still it. And I thought God was leading me to that relationship, which would end in marriage, so a career wasn’t even a problem.
When we broke up, my entire future literally crumbled.
A degree from my Bible college is great as a support role in a relationship, but it’s not enough for a single woman to support herself. I have to get into something that I can have a career in until I get married, if I ever do. And that terrifies me. Nothing sounds interesting. I’m looking into physical therapy, but I don’t know if I could handle touching people all day. I don’t want to teach, I can’t handle blood so I can’t be a nurse………I don’t know what to do.
I feel like such a failure and a fool. I’ve spent a whole year at this college knowing I couldn’t support myself because I was so stupid to think i’d found the guy i’d marry. Well when I finally opened my eyes, where am I? At a dead-end school, with a hurt heart, and a whole lot of confusion. I love what I’ve learned, both from classes and from life, but it won’t pay bills. What am I going to do?
The good thing is, if I get to school and still feel like this is wrong, my dad has been aching to take a roadtrip and would bring me home. I don’t want to just quit, though. I’m so close to finishing the degree. GOSH why am I such an idiot?! I know Bible education was and still is important to me for my larger life goal, but what about now? What do I do until that happens?