Hey guys, sorry I haven’t written in a while. My mother taught me not to speak when emotionally disturbed though, and I’ve been afraid for a while that if I start spilling my guts out I’d be tempted to spill the (not very frequent but still annoying) drama on campus.
The thing that was on my mind and compelled me to post:
Last week there was some drama which ended in the “we can be friendly but not friends” talk [after just some hurtful things went down]. Today, one of the guys from school who is still close to my ex came over to me and said “You know, you remind me a lot of me when I broke up with my ex.”
…? I understand his heart. And I appreciate his concern. But what on earth makes him think I’m bitter? I have had like three conversations with him (all over texting) and we haven’t even hung out. In those conversations I told him I was struggling with insecurity and regret since the break up. How does that make me bitter?
I won’t sit here and say I am completely healed and harbor no anger, hurt, or resentment. But I’m working on it and striving toward not having it.
but that’s not the point. The point is that that conversation frustrated me and stirred up my pride. My insides were screaming “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH WITH THIS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HE DID?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA AT ALL?! HAVE YOU SEEN ME HEALING? HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUBMISSION AND FORGIVENESS AND HUMILITY I HAVE HAD TO LEARN?! HAVE YOU SEEN THE TEARS OF SURRENDER?!” I wanted to be admired. And it was sin.
I want someone to side with me. I haven’t even told my best friend here all the reasons we broke up because I know they are friends and I won’t ruin that relationship too. I want someone to tell me that I am right, and even though I have legitimate reasons to be angry that I am doing a good job at letting them go. But that’s pride. That’s so wrong. I need to be patient. I still have a long way to go to forgive him, and me–and I know that. And now I have another thing to work on–resting that God will take care of my reputation.
Again, I appreciate the hart of the young man who told me that being bitter wasn’t worth it. It just shook me and makes me wonder why he thinks that, because I don’t feel like we’ve interacted enough to give him that impression. But, my job is to follow and love Christ. He will take care of my reputation.
Thanks for listening :)
And now for the happy.
Some cool things that have happened this semester:
– I got to make cupcakes with my dorm mother. She’s absolutely darling. It was such a lovely afternoon.
– Melyssa and I babysat my dorm parents’ girls on Friday. Oh my dear goodness, so much fun. M said she was married to the president in one of our games. So precious! When we were saying goodnight, K said “Goodnight whoever you are!!” to me after she’d been sitting on my lap all night. They are SOOOOOO precious.
– Professor RC (Dorm dad) kept coming into the learning lab yesterday while I was there and we talked about Judges a little, and then he asked me a punctuation question. I just love these people.
– Professor W asked me to hold a study session for one of his classes. It’s nice being trusted and needed. I was hesitant since I am also in the class, but he assured me it would be appropriate for a student in the class to hold a study session. Well, I was at the library for like 100 minutes yesterday and not one of the students came to study for our test (today). that was kind of depressing. But we’ll try again next time :)
– Melyssa, Cathy, and I colored last night. It was so fantastic. I love coloring. I love crayons.
– Amanda and I read a Skippyjon Jones book on Saturday. It was great fun.
– My dorm mom, Melyssa, Amanda, and I are going to try to watch a (clean, non-gory) scary movie Thursday night. I’m terrified. Oh, my dorm dad is going to be there too. Hahaha. this is going to be one of those embarrassing things you just love talking about later :)
– After babysitting for the girls on Friday, Melyssa and I hung out with R & A (dorm parents). I got R hooked on Angry Birds. Epic win.
– I’m on a chapel band this semester! Our first chapel is March 6. I’m so excited!
– I’m learning how to play Prelude in C# Minor by Rachmaninoff. I have all the tiles in place, now I’m just working on the grout (read: I can play it all, just not very well and have to fine tune it). It’s super awesome. I keep injuring myself during practice though lol. A few weeks ago it was my right wrist that hurt really badly from a new motion I learned; today it’s my pinky from improper hand position for part of the song (due to the freakishly large chords; I may have to leave some notes out to protect myself :/ ).
– I caught Dr. C creeping around the practice rooms a few times. He’s so funny. I asked him about his music story. He used to be a really great musician, but it became too important to him. So now he only plays for himself and his family, but he still loves music. It was really cool to hear his heart about it.
– My daddy sent me chocolate covered strawberries for valentine’s day!! He’s so precious!! I just love him.
– I have an internship. I have 3 options. Now I just have to figure out which one is the one God wants me to do, and I’ll be set.
– I LOVE my new church. OH. My. Gosh. It’s so great. The children’s church is such a blast. I got to help my friend Trudy figure out the dance to one of the songs for church and it was so much fun. I’m going to start teaching preschool once a month starting next month, and then helping out with the big kids (VBS-esque class) every remaining week.
– I get to go see my dad’s sister and her family over spring break in a little over a month!! I love them and can’t wait.
– I made a new Pandora station just now based on the song “Forgiven” by Sanctus Real, and I really like it.
– I apologized to my Audrie for the bitterness and envy in my heart towards her and her boyfriend. It broke down a ton of barriers between us, and recognizing what it was in me that created that animosity feeling every time we hung out and confessing it has been so freeing. I love it that we can finally have a healthy, normal friendship. I still see things in their relationship that I am not wild about, but it’s not judgment, jealousy, and comparison anymore.
– I came to the realization today that if I don’t get married, I’ll be okay. God will give me another dream.
– I’m in the process of applying for a master’s degree. Or well, looking at applying for one. I haven’t quite figured out how that will all look yet. I’m considering two colleges near home. It’ll be great to be near my family again.
– My brother and sister-in-law might have found a house! And it has a guest house so I can go stay with them any time I want!! hahaha :)
– I have discovered that animal crackers and strawberry frosting is just about the best snack there is.
– I have also discovered that I can wait 3 weeks to do laundry. In the course of a semester, this will save me approximately 10 dollars in the course of a semester. Boo. Yah.
– It’s a little over a month in the semester and I have already changed my sheets. Responsible!!
– So my very favorite pair of converse shoes broke a few weeks ago. The bottom came out when I jumped off the stage at a basketball game, and superglue wouldn’t hold. So, my mom went to Famous Footwear back home and took pictures of all the Converse Allstar shoes that were there and sent them to me. That is how I came to be the owner of awesome sparkly gray and purple converse. I know, your curiosity was burning.
– OUR BASKETBALL TEAM IS SO BOMB! I didn’t even know I liked sports, but I’ve been an addict this semester!! Our girls team is 16-9, the best record in school history. They’re like, number 1 or 2 in the nation right now or something epic. We’re going to…regionals this weekend, I think. Yep. My school is awesome.
– I got to talk to the academic dean about the whole mess going down with the honors professor. While my situation didn’t get remedied, it was really cool to see his heart. He was very warm and genuine and not at all scary like I always think he will be. I have a much deeper respect for him now.
– I have learned how to make amazing popcorn with one of those sweet popcorn machines they have at fairs and stuff. I have made and consumed more popcorn this semester than I did the entire school year in 2011.
– We almost died on the ice one time on the way to church. The girl who was driving actually went into the ditch. Good thing she has a truck.
– We made string lanterns to hang up in our floor last weekend. It was so messy, but so much fun.
All right, I’m going to stop now, simply because I’m tired of typing and am starting to get short and less interesting. Have a wonderful day!! :)