I’m currently on a family vacation. Our travels have brought us back to my favorite aunt’s house, the one I stayed with over spring Break.

I love being here. but it always leaves me with mixed emotions.

My aunt is such a strong woman. My uncle’s liver is starting to give them frights, and she is so level-headed when she talks about it. It makes me want to cry even thinking about it.

what I’m frustrated about right now but don’t know who to talk to about is this: I am onlys tarting to be able to remember Bob as he starts to fade.

Let me rephrase that: I don’t really have a lot of memories of Bob before spring break. We never saw them, and I always just loved my aunt so I hung out with her. he was always quiet. I knew I liked him, and that he was funny and a great guy, but beyond that…nothing.

It’s just funny to me how I didn’t really have any memories of him until he started fading. Not funny ha, ha…but funny frustrating, and heart-wrenching, and unfair.

He’s a shell of his former self. Sure, his heart and personality are the same, but they’re so masked and worn by this disease. I love this Bob so dearly and know that if I had only known the other Bob I would have loved him too, and it irritates me that I didn’t know him, and that I never really had the chance to.

It’s lame being the youngest daughter of the oldest son. My cousins (that I’ve interacted with more than once in my life) are all like 12 years or more older than I am. My grandparents are incredibly old, and it makes me sad that my grandpa might not get to marry me like he has all his other grandchildren. My aunts and uncles are all old enough to be my grandparents. I love them all dearly, and I love my parents, I just hate knowing that these people won’t be around forever.

I’m just sad, dear blog and blog readers. Bob is in better spirits this time around because he feels better…but he feels better ebcause he hasn’t been on chemo for weeks, which is bad because the cancer is just growing. I just hate this so much. I just want to be here every single day and just…get to know Bob.

I want to be angry at someone. btu I know I can’t be angry at God. without God, none of us have anything to hold on to. But I am upset, and just…heartbroken.

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One response »

  1. Eddie says:

    God is ok with us being angry- even at Him- as long as that is our honest thoughts. Tell Him you are angry. Tell Him why. He wants that realness from us, because in that realness, He can help us grow the most. Let Him mold and shape that anger into whatever He wants it to be. But don’t hold it in.

    For the record, I miss you. :)

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