Everyone asks that since I’ve finished school.
Here’s what I’d like to say:
How does it feel?
It feels like someone ripped out my heart and stored it 1400 miles away, where I can’t get to it anymore.
I didn’t just go to school; I became family with those people. And you expect me to be happy to be done there?
I can’t be. I won’t be. I’m proud of earning my degree, most certainly; but school was about so much more than that where I went. School was about changing your life. School was about building community and building the kingdom of God.
Now I’ve been torn away from people who challenged me, who cheered me on, who knew me to my soul. Now I live with people who knew the me I was two years ago. I’m not the same person anymore. They may know that, but that means they don’t really even know me the same way anymore.
I feel like I have died. Like I am just existing. What is my goal now? My goal for 21 years had been to graduate college. So now what?
What am I supposed to do in my spare time? I have no friends here. I only lived in this city for 10 weeks last summer, and then I had no friends either because I was always working with kids and went to a church without good community. I’m so lonely I could make an invisible friend to talk to. Okay that was a horrible way of expressing it, but it hurts. Doing laundry hurts because I can’t walk down the hall to Melyssa’s room anymore and borrow quarters or laundry soap because I bought softener instead of detergent.
I can’t walk outside my room and find two or three people to talk to anymore. Everywhere I go I find the same thing: nothing. I find emptiness, and myself, and no one.
And I hate it.
So how does it feel to be done with college?
Lousy. Really, really lousy.